02-25-02 note

This is the site to the love of my soul | home

02-25-02 note

Yesterday I wrote that I am giving up hope. I felt that part of me dying last night and it hurt. Today I woke to find it alive and strong again. I don't know what hurts more, loving you while you don't love me or the idea of losing you forever. Today in Philosophy I was asked what I know better, matter or love. I told him matter. I know he wanted me to say love, he had this argument with someone else a few weeks back. But I had to tell him I know nothing of love. And I don't think I do anymore. I love you so much but you can't stand me anymore. No matter what I do you won't love me again. The Spanish girl sitting next to me was reading my notebook. In the margin I wrote about how much I miss you, that it's like my heart is bleeding, etc. I got annoyed when I saw her looking over.

I keep telling myself I won't care if you don't call today. I just want to sleep again. I also keep telling myself you two are really just friends. But you're avoiding me and I think I know why. I was going to stop working on this web site because it hurts so much, but I can't. I won't email you these things so this is my only way to cope. While I watch tv to speed the hours until I can sleep again, I picture you and me in every situation. People camping out, going to parties, travelling, hanging home… God I just want to hold you. I am going to continue to try to kill that part in me that is still in love with you. I fear it may kill me before I kill it. I love you so much.