Ginger's First Picture After leaving Tina
The ride home from Booth Memorial Hospital for UnWed Mothers felt like someone had cut my soul and heart out. The silence was loud and piercing. I wanted my mother to hold me. I wanted her to let me cry. I wanted her to say anything something. I wanted to talk about MY child. My beautiful Yetenna. But like always NOTHING.
The rules were the same as always. Don't talk, don't need, don't ask, don't feel, don't do ANYTHING to make THEIR lives uncomfortable. Just play the game the loosing game of being someone THEY needed me to be. I hated her. I hated her mother. I hated life. Was life worth living anymore? I felt I had tried and tried to be what (They) all wanted all my life. Who ever they all were. I just knew I would never measure up to what THEY wanted me to be. Something was always missing. (ME) Who was I anyway????
I sat in my room and cried ALONE again. The door was shut. Funny, but when I look back the DOORS were always shut. An open door would have given me life and hope but they were always shut.
People were there but I was alone. I sobbed and sobbed in deep grief for my child. No comfort, no love, no anything but words of shame. My mother walked by my door and would knock on it and tell me to stop crying and think of it like it was surgery. I hated those words.
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Tina ages 2 mon, 3 mon, and 11 mon (her first steps)
My Yetenna was a human being, a child, my child and I was grieving loosing her. What does someone when all of hope has been ripped away from him or her? They don't say anything. They set in silence and withdraw into all the hurts and losses they have ever felt. They block everything out and just exist. That is what I did. I went into an eating disorder to clam the rage I could not express.
The one thing that probably saved me was my Aunt Jorja had just had a little girl. I held her and rocked her as much as I could to help the loss and loneliness and grief that I felt for my Tina. Aunt Jorja had just married into the family. Thank God for her or I would have died totally emotionally. She gave me some time to feel and talk. Thank you my sweet aunt for caring. I will always be grateful for you Jorja.
I went to school I hated it there. When I was home I hated it too. No matter where I was at I did not want to be there. I wanted to be someplace else. It was at this time that I begged to see my Tina. But I was told I had no rights. So what was new. I did have a counselor who kept me posted on Tina's health. (*My mother never new this woman helped me to stay somewhat sane.*)
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Birthmother Ginger's Story | Ginger's Childhood | Ginger at the Group and Foster Homes | Rock-a-bye-bye-baby | Home for UnWed Mothers | Empty Arms - Empty Soul | Ginger's Empty Cradle | Ginger's Recovery | Hello? I am looking for my mother. | Getting to know you | The Seperation | Real Love Never Dies | Come here and sit on my knee |
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Thank you, Ginger and Tina