(continued)
The day came to SIGN my beautiful child away. I went there alone. I wanted no one with me. I asked if my daughter had come with the people who were going to take her from me. They said no. I wanted to hold her one more time. How ugly that day was. It stills brings deep pain and tears to my eyes. I lost my wonderful child that day and any hope I had of love. I walked around town for endless hours with tears and hate. I would not recover fully from this until the day I heard my sweet Tina's voice for the first time in 31 years. (SMILES)
I wanted out. I wanted to be away from them. I married the first man who asked. How sad. I married the same kind of guilt and shame I had just left. I had an another child to hopefully replace Tina. This man left me too. Once again alone and scared. I was hiden away again with this child that WAS LEGAL. I had hope that maybe just maybe my mother would love me now. Same old stuff different day. I didn't know how to live. I didn't know how to love. I didn't know how to be loved. I didn't trust life, or its process. So, I married again and had another child. Once again same pattern. I drank and drank I tired to drown it all. This child was the only reason I had to live each day. I would look into his bed and cry. I loved him so. But I was not a good mother. I was not a good anything.
I found what drugs and alcohol would do for me. It numbed it all. I still remember my first drink. I felt warm, and calm for the first time ever. This would be a pattern I would follow for many years, until I found 12-step recovery and therapy. I was in and out of psychiatric wards. Psychiatric wards, drugs, and booze were all that numbed me and helped to stuff the pains and losses deeper. (Note: The song Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd describes some of these feelings.)The booze the drugs anything to shut my brain and feelings down. I was in a fog most of the time. The drugs the booze gave me the warm clam feelings I could not seem to find anywhere else. I lived in the o zone disconnected from any responsibilities or anything that made me think and feel. What a sad feeling I get when I think of this time of my life. I was hurt. I then hurt others for hurting me. Viscous cycle. I could not climb out of this place on my own.
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Birthmother Ginger's Story | Ginger's Childhood | Ginger at the Group and Foster Homes | Rock-a-bye-bye-baby | Home for UnWed Mothers | Empty Arms - Empty Soul | Ginger's Empty Cradle | Ginger's Recovery | Hello? I am looking for my mother. | Getting to know you | The Seperation | Real Love Never Dies | Come here and sit on my knee |
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