My Recovery
June 1, 1978
They say that hurt people hurt people. This was true for me. Where does one go when there is no place left to go? Or when all others seemed to have lost all hope in you. But most of all you have lost hope in yourself. All doors seemed to have been slammed in my face. Or I slammed them shut myself. I couldn't live one more day with what I felt and what I did. I was dying. The guilt, shame and fears had consumed all my waking hours. Even the drugs and booze could no longer make the thoughts and feelings disappear. Was this what bottom felt like? I was living a death in life. I had managed to push anyone who might have cared far far away from me with my neediness and control and my irresponsibilities. I had become the hopeless professional victim with no hope of change. I drank and used every waking moment. I was lost, alone, and hopeless. I lied. I stole. I cheated. I manipulated. I hurt every one around me. I didn't want to. I didn't know how to stop. I had no choices left in life. I either found help or I was going to really kill myself this time. I thought that there could not be one person in the entire world like me.
21 years ago I walked into my first recovery group. In 12-step recovery I found a hope that I had never felt before. But first I had to put the booze, and drugs, down and admit I was powerless and ask for help. I had to find a higher power I could live with. Then take the actions to change one thing. My entire way of looking and dealing with life others and myself. I had become willing to pay the price of healthy living. I didn't do this real well the first few years of recovery. In fact it took a while for old habits to die and to hold my head up with dignity and integrity. I have not found it necessary to use drugs or drink since June 1st 1978. For this I am extremely grateful. I never thought I could live a Normal life with out drinking or using.
Today I am in charge of my actions and choices. I have friends. Not the kind I had to sell my soul for. But real friends. The kind that are honest with me even when I don't want to hear the truth. Those friends didn't sugar coat things for me. No one felt sorry for me. Feeling sorry for me would have killed me. In fact there where times when I thought I would die from the realties they were trying to help me face. I had to let go of all the (YOU OWE ME's). The score keeping. Yes things had happen to me that I had no power or choice over. Yet I do not have to hurt others anymore or myself because of how I feel today. I am alive and full of feelings. Wow what a change from my old life. I am free to be me today in my entire positive and negatives. I don't have to control my outer circumstances and people today. I only have to stay true to myself and respect others rights to be themselves as well. Life never changed because I wanted it to. Life changed because I changed.
When I quit fighting people, places, and things and let go of controlling as best as I could...my higher power blessed me with the most wonderful man in marriage. My husband is also in recovery. We make a great partnership. I love him so. He loves, respects, and honors me because I learned how to do this for myself in recovery. I have a good life today. I do not regret anything in my past today. In fact everything in my past is being used today to help others find hope as I was helped to find hope and a new way of living.
My daughter's dedication to me for my 21 year recovery click here
** I want to thank all those who have gone before me in this fight and journey of recovery. Thank you for paving a path of life that I could follow and live free today. With out you all I would not be alive today. Especially I want to thank my sponsor Leonard D. He was the first person I learned how to trust and love. (Ginger)**
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Birthmother Ginger's Story | Ginger's Childhood | Ginger at the Group and Foster Homes | Rock-a-bye-bye-baby | Home for UnWed Mothers | Empty Arms - Empty Soul | Ginger's Empty Cradle | Ginger's Recovery | Hello? I am looking for my mother. | Getting to know you | The Seperation | Real Love Never Dies | Come here and sit on my knee |
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